The zing.

Turning a year older, I wonder like I do every year.
What is age, if not just a number?

I believe I turn wiser by the second.

Am I still the same old foolish me, at times?

Yes. I am.

Do I know it all?

Duh. Whom am I kidding?

There is so much to do and so much more to experience.
The changing tides, the changing me through it all.

It is being lost, being found, being lost all over again, and finding myself AGAIN.

To feel the happiness, to feel the pain, and to choose how to channel the latter.

To the struggles and the crushing moments, and to make a weirdly nice lemonade of it all.

To breathe and to brace myself on what’s to come.

To the new sides, the hidden sides, the ever flamboyant sides of me.

To the preachy one, the curious one, the joker, the scary one, the one with a poker face.

To the ‘I mean business’ one, and the one that does not make any sense at all.

To love and to cherish it all.

To wing it as I go. And to drop some glitters on my way.

A symphony.

The element of the unknown.
The reflection of your true self.
The sight of what lies deep within.

That’s what scared me.

In dreams and in reality,
that is why the still waters scared me.

With waves, you know what you expect.
You can predict their behavior by their patterns.

It’s like, they say, a known devil is better than an unknown.

But in a dream last night, I went beyond the waves,
I sat by the still waters, I let my feet soak in,
I felt a sense of calm like never before.

And when something caused a ripple, I remained unhinged.
I let the calmness consume me.

And, just like that, I wake up as a whole new person.
My mind, body, and soul are in sync and tunes a perfect symphony.

A letter to…

#triggerwarning

#mentalhealth


You ask why,
Why did I change?
What was the need?

Why can’t things be like they were before?

And I said this then, and I say this now, “to break the cycle.”

Because

Every time I see you, I know the sorrow in your eyes,
for all the years, you shut yourself in and continue to do so.

Every time I see you, I see your struggle to cope,
to change the unchangeable, and to live a life that is deemed perfect.

Every time I see you, I know the happiness in your eyes,
for despite what your words say, your eyes say they can relate.

Because

I see you now as I have not before.

I see you as two individuals, the one who is related to me,
and the other who is struggling to relate with self.

I might disagree with the former but empathize with the latter.

But in either case, both are forgiven.

Because

Forgiving is not the same as forgetting.
But forgiving helped me move forward for the better.

And, I recommend the same to you, forgive yourself.
I understand the path might not be easy, but it is time now.

It is time to let go of your demons and to embrace yourself.
For the person you are. Different than those around.

But still, a person who deserves a chance at life. A happy one.


Why think?

I type this post as I set my phone aside after watching the movie Sara’s. The film does not call out anything we haven’t already heard of before but emphasizes listening to this time.

#spoileralert #notamoviereview #notapaidpost

Sara’s is a Malayalam movie available on Amazon Prime. The storyline is simple. It is of a woman who chooses not to have children. But is it that simple?

Though she gets married to someone on the same page as her on this matter, life happens, society happens, and things take a turn. However, I loved that the authenticity of the topic was maintained throughout while highlighting the key points.

  • A woman has to be mentally and physically prepared to give birth and raise a child. We often miss the mental readiness part.
  • Just because a woman is physically capable of conceiving and does not have medical issues stopping her from doing so does not mean she has to.
  • Some might say she will learn to deal when she has a child in hand. Unfortunately, that is not how the mind works. What is left is a forced relationship that consciously or subconsciously impacts the child and the mother.
  • But what about when she gets old, if she has a child, they will look after her. The statement is unsettling as it creates a necessity out of a fearful need and not out of a willing want. Adds undue pressure on the child as they grow with misrepresented expectations from them- a traditional barter system of unwilling emotions.

Childbirth has been a sensitive matter over the years, and this is not propaganda to say for it or against it. It is to say that whether a woman chooses to give birth or not, it should purely be out of her own choice.

The actor who plays a doctor in the movie says this well – Better not to be a parent than be a bad parent.

We often misunderstand that a relationship is toxic or abusive only on clear physical indications or explicit verbal statements.

Children are bright, and they catch any subtle negativity we feel we pushed off under the rug and made it unnoticeable.

So, next time you hear a woman make a choice, do not push your insecurities on her or make her feel guilty for making that choice. What might work for you might not work for others. And, that is OK.

Not broken, just in recovery.

Hello there! A happy weekend to you.

What’s cooking?

I keep talking so much about mental health, so today, I thought, why not write something about my experience through self-discovery and journey thus far.

Fun fact: I wanted to pursue psychology professionally in my early years but chose not to as it was not an in-demand profession back in those days, where I was based.

However, the curiosity stayed with me over the years and made me dive into behavioral psychology and mental health awareness topics. So, I started my learning in these areas intending to get certified over time. And, it all started as a path to self-heal.

As my learning progressed, I still felt a gap somewhere. And to fill this gap, I knew what I needed to do.
I had to seek professional help.
(PS: Professional help is always recommended even while you self-learn).

But, I managed to pause the idea because I did not find someone suitable to visit in person where I was based, and I wasn’t comfortable taking online consultations from home surrounded by family.

Finally, when I found a safe space to have an open discussion, I jumped right in. And, it has been the best experience.

At one point, my psychologist commented that I am more self-aware with my current state of mind and methods of healing than the others.

So why did I need a professional, you might ask.

Here is the thing.

Learning is different from executing. While you may be applying your learnings to practice, to implement something to 100%, sometimes you need a nudge in the right direction. Hence, a professional who is also a neutral party.

So, if you are looking to seek professional help, here are my learnings to share –

  1. Find your safe space to talk. It could even be a quiet corner in a coffee house.
  2. Some organizations/sites offer free consultations by qualified professionals. If budget is a concern, you may opt for these channels.
  3. The sites have clear terms and conditions specified about the privacy of information and so on. Read the terms in advance.
  4. If you are comfortable speaking to someone over an audio/video call, then in-person, online sessions are a fantastic choice.
  5. Psychologists and Psychiatrists are professionals of two different specialties. While psychologists conduct therapy sessions, they can not prescribe medications; a psychiatrist can do so as deemed best for your condition post-diagnosis.
  6. When looking for psychologists, there is no harm in trying a few. There is no better way to say this, but you need to feel comfortable with this individual and share a vibe with them. The more comfortable you are, the more you will be able to open up.

Most important of all, know that healing is a conscious and a continuous process. There is not an easy way or one way, or a one-time solution.

And, may the odds be ever in your favor. #hungergamesreference. 🙂


Just for fun or is it?

To err is human.
So why do we feel a need to put ourselves down, especially in front of others? On some occasions, if not all.

Why do we feel this form of self-deprecating is OK even if we justify it only for fun and nothing more.

We have all been there, and to be honest, so have I.

The more I interact with the world, the more I see this pattern.

Over the years, I realized that it is OK to humbly boast about yourself, acknowledge the compliments received, and own up for the mistakes while being nice to yourself and self-actualize in the process.

So, what is the key?
– Understanding that self-deprecating, even if you mean in a fun way, is still disrespectful of self.
– Do what you would typically do as self-deprecating behavior, in front of a mirror, or imagine you are saying those dialogues to a friend instead and not to yourself.

You will start to see a change in your perception and your interactions, and your way of life, after.

I had a chance to have open discussions about this with some, where I observed the pattern but wanted to share my thoughts with a larger group with a simple intent to inform and educate.

Does that mean I don’t have my rare moments of self-deprecating, where I slip into that back-hole subconsciously?

I do.

But again, to err is human but to forgive is divine.


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