One more slice.

An amazing cook, a marvellous creator, and a visionary in the culinary world.

These are some of the ways people introduce me or know of me.
Today is going to be another show and another spectacular creation by yours truly.

The preparations are yet to start.
Isn’t it too late?
What’s on the menu?
How will you manage?
I get asked.

And all I say with a beaming smile on my face.
‘I like my ingredients fresh, especially the meat.’

The hunt is just about to begin.

Into the darkness.

There is always a choice.

But what if there is none.
The option of having a choice is it just a myth?

With my whims and quirks wavering, I was told I had a choice.

To choose good over evil.
To feed the wolf, I want to grow.

And, so I did.

I fed the good wolf.
I let it grow and well to its content.

Only, I did not realize that while I fed one, I starved the other.

By the time the realization hit, the starved wolf had decided to prey on its much-deprived feed.

It’s hunger now knowing no limits.

And, just like that, the good wolf ceased to exist.

A deal-breaker

What if your biggest fear is the one thing you ever crave for?

Love.

Not that you don’t feel worthy of it.

You very well know you deserve all the love there is.

But you don’t know what it feels like. The kind that is non-judgemental and unconditional.

It is unfamiliar territory.

You don’t know where to place your trust and how to save yourself from the fall.

The biggest worry, who you will drag down with you.

Because like you, there is someone else who deserves all the love in the world.

But you just don’t know how to offer it.

Not without the fear of destroying everything there is.

Not without knowing the fear is just a fear and nothing more.

The beauty of it all.

A breath of fresh air.
Is that what I said, then?

Yes, the reason for stepping out.

Every night standing on my patio,
gazing at the sky and the stars, mesmerized.

So elegant and yet so dazzling.

The night air feels like a subtle peck on my cheek.
And it caressing my hair as if I were a child. Oh! So meek.

I can hear the breeze and the commotions far away.
Nature, coming alive and celebrating life. To solemnize it all.

The nothingness at that moment feels like everything.
It fills my heart in abundance, and overwhelmingly so.

And, just like a child, I wait every night, yearning for it.
A glimpse, however small it might be.

The zing.

Turning a year older, I wonder like I do every year.
What is age, if not just a number?

I believe I turn wiser by the second.

Am I still the same old foolish me, at times?

Yes. I am.

Do I know it all?

Duh. Whom am I kidding?

There is so much to do and so much more to experience.
The changing tides, the changing me through it all.

It is being lost, being found, being lost all over again, and finding myself AGAIN.

To feel the happiness, to feel the pain, and to choose how to channel the latter.

To the struggles and the crushing moments, and to make a weirdly nice lemonade of it all.

To breathe and to brace myself on what’s to come.

To the new sides, the hidden sides, the ever flamboyant sides of me.

To the preachy one, the curious one, the joker, the scary one, the one with a poker face.

To the ‘I mean business’ one, and the one that does not make any sense at all.

To love and to cherish it all.

To wing it as I go. And to drop some glitters on my way.

A symphony.

The element of the unknown.
The reflection of your true self.
The sight of what lies deep within.

That’s what scared me.

In dreams and in reality,
that is why the still waters scared me.

With waves, you know what you expect.
You can predict their behavior by their patterns.

It’s like, they say, a known devil is better than an unknown.

But in a dream last night, I went beyond the waves,
I sat by the still waters, I let my feet soak in,
I felt a sense of calm like never before.

And when something caused a ripple, I remained unhinged.
I let the calmness consume me.

And, just like that, I wake up as a whole new person.
My mind, body, and soul are in sync and tunes a perfect symphony.

A letter to…

#triggerwarning

#mentalhealth


You ask why,
Why did I change?
What was the need?

Why can’t things be like they were before?

And I said this then, and I say this now, “to break the cycle.”

Because

Every time I see you, I know the sorrow in your eyes,
for all the years, you shut yourself in and continue to do so.

Every time I see you, I see your struggle to cope,
to change the unchangeable, and to live a life that is deemed perfect.

Every time I see you, I know the happiness in your eyes,
for despite what your words say, your eyes say they can relate.

Because

I see you now as I have not before.

I see you as two individuals, the one who is related to me,
and the other who is struggling to relate with self.

I might disagree with the former but empathize with the latter.

But in either case, both are forgiven.

Because

Forgiving is not the same as forgetting.
But forgiving helped me move forward for the better.

And, I recommend the same to you, forgive yourself.
I understand the path might not be easy, but it is time now.

It is time to let go of your demons and to embrace yourself.
For the person you are. Different than those around.

But still, a person who deserves a chance at life. A happy one.


Bursting the bubble.

Last week, I lost my cool in a public place, and one thing I do when I lose my cool is laugh.

Yes, I believe in losing cool calmly and humorously.
Yes, the onlookers find it absurd and scary.

Here is what attributed to the situation.

My mum and I had to run an errand, and this activity involved an elevator to help us reach our destination. You would expect that the process of getting out of the elevator, if not in an orderly manner, is to allow those in front of you to step out first before you do, at the very least.

I had a woman standing behind me brush through me and step out, like the 5’4 individual in front of her did not exist. And, I am talking about a full-body brush through.

Now, one can say maybe she was in a rush for something important. Yes, a benefit of the doubt there.

But.

This is a frequent occurrence in public places for me, and I noticed the pattern around, in general.

Now, COVID or not, I believe in the concept of a personal bubble. A hug by a friend or family or a pat on the back is OK, you have an understanding there, and I don’t mind the bubble bursting.

However, in public spaces, I see people being cautious about personal space towards a different gender, which is excellent. Then why not follow it with the same gender?

I have traveled a fair share in public transport during my time in Chennai, share-autos, and public RTC buses. So, I understand the woes of fitting into a compact place when you need to get somewhere and have no alternative transportation mode. Or shop in crowded areas. (#during non-COVID times).

But.

When space is an option, or when the said area is filled with women, why is it naturally assumed it is OK to burst that personal bubble because you are of the same gender? It is beyond my understanding.

For the very few places I traveled in my lifetime, I observed this only in India so far. So, is it just our thing, or does it happen elsewhere as well? Because I can’t be the only one cribbing about it and dislike it with utmost passion. 😀

Disclaimer –

  1. I am a true feminist. This post has nothing to do with the ”women going after other women.” That is not the agenda.
  2. This is not a hate post towards any gender, region, or country.
  3. I am aware that India is a large country, and I have not covered all parts of it.

Why think?

I type this post as I set my phone aside after watching the movie Sara’s. The film does not call out anything we haven’t already heard of before but emphasizes listening to this time.

#spoileralert #notamoviereview #notapaidpost

Sara’s is a Malayalam movie available on Amazon Prime. The storyline is simple. It is of a woman who chooses not to have children. But is it that simple?

Though she gets married to someone on the same page as her on this matter, life happens, society happens, and things take a turn. However, I loved that the authenticity of the topic was maintained throughout while highlighting the key points.

  • A woman has to be mentally and physically prepared to give birth and raise a child. We often miss the mental readiness part.
  • Just because a woman is physically capable of conceiving and does not have medical issues stopping her from doing so does not mean she has to.
  • Some might say she will learn to deal when she has a child in hand. Unfortunately, that is not how the mind works. What is left is a forced relationship that consciously or subconsciously impacts the child and the mother.
  • But what about when she gets old, if she has a child, they will look after her. The statement is unsettling as it creates a necessity out of a fearful need and not out of a willing want. Adds undue pressure on the child as they grow with misrepresented expectations from them- a traditional barter system of unwilling emotions.

Childbirth has been a sensitive matter over the years, and this is not propaganda to say for it or against it. It is to say that whether a woman chooses to give birth or not, it should purely be out of her own choice.

The actor who plays a doctor in the movie says this well – Better not to be a parent than be a bad parent.

We often misunderstand that a relationship is toxic or abusive only on clear physical indications or explicit verbal statements.

Children are bright, and they catch any subtle negativity we feel we pushed off under the rug and made it unnoticeable.

So, next time you hear a woman make a choice, do not push your insecurities on her or make her feel guilty for making that choice. What might work for you might not work for others. And, that is OK.

A noble quest.

An artist known for his unique murals,
Drawn meticulously, with the blood of the broken souls.

But with a word of caution.
To let the secrets be.

Not let them unravel.

For the urban legend says, come midnight, the murals come to life,
Lurking around in a search for the other broken souls.

To consume their darkness.
And to finally set them free.

Like they set their creator free,
Who now joins them in this noble quest.

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